- What to do while waiting for those pipes to freeze -

 

Those of us who are native Southerners are not accustomed to temperatures in the single digits, which is why when Houston was blasted with the big “Deep Freeze,” I had no idea how to cope. Of course, I took the precaution of inventorying my supply of survival food stuffs: chocolate, four kinds of cheese, artisan bread, prosciutto, some olives, adult beverages and coffee. I threw in some kale because it is very important to eat healthy when you are under stress.

Trapped at home, I drew up a list of household projects that have needed my attention for some time, which I have successfully avoided by sharing my mantra with visiting friends: “Under no circumstances should you open a drawer or a closet.” It has worked well. But now I had time, nowhere to go and no available distractions.

Less than eight hours into my bedroom closet overhaul, I found myself in deep depression when confronted by the nightmare of poor wardrobe choices. As I began to relegate them to a donation bag, it occurred to me I should donate them under cover of darkness, lest someone recognize me. I can hear those volunteers now: “A mini-skirt at her age?” or “Didn’t she realize that no one other than runway models can wear large-pattern plaid pants?” and “What part of her did she think was a size 4?”

I had to escape. So, I turned to my good friends at HGTV. I watched Chip and Joanna, Ben and Erin and all the rest take old, ugly houses and make them beautiful. After one day, all I wanted to do was knock out a wall somewhere. Instead, I turned to the Food Network because it is one of my hobbies—not the network but eating! Watching all those glorious meals and the host’s enthusiasm for cooking just made me hungrier, and I really do not need any encouragement in that department. Besides during the “Deep Freeze,” my refrigerator has really been my new best friend.

As a result, I turned to the TV news shows which were even more depressing than my closet. However, I did make some interesting discoveries that I hope you will ponder and see if you don’t agree that these are important issues of our time.

1. After tuning in to BBC news to see what was happening in Europe, I discovered that one of my greatest desires is to fix Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s hair. I want to shampoo it, condition and style it using my favorite gel. Nothing would make me happier and I believe the English people would thank me, especially the queen.

2. Am I wrong, or is there really a need for toilet paper commercials? Did I imagine that we have experienced a national shortage this past year? So, even if I want my Charmin, it is very unlikely that I can get it.

3. Am I the only person in America to notice that, in the dead of winter, all the female TV personalities are wearing sleeveless dresses? Are they sitting on space heaters? What is going on?

4. In that same vein, when was the last time you saw any of the power women in television with short hair? They have grown out those long bobs into what looks like Rapunzel’s locks. Stephanie Gosk has the only pixie cut in TV, but she recently moved from New York to Tampa, where everyone has short hair.

5. Finally, is there such a shortage of creativity and talent for commercials that we have to resort to using dead people? I am pretty sure that Jimmy Dean died in 2010. Yet, I see him regularly on TV wishing me a good morning, and please eat some of my brand of sausage. Creeps me out every time.

Outside it’s beginning to thaw and I am afraid that I may be a victim of burst pipes, due to my creative approach to pipe wrapping. If only HGTV had a plumbing show. Now there’s a good idea.

Diane Blanco
Author: Diane BlancoEmail: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

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