While most of us will not enjoy what we once called a “vacation” this year, that does not stop us from dreaming about one! If you are like me, every beautiful, glossy brochure that lands in your mailbox has you salivating over the exquisite destinations. Through extensive research, I have cut through the marketing lingo to provide an accurate description of these paradise locations.
“A once-in-a-lifetime vacation” — After you have stayed here, we guarantee you’ll never come back.
“Our hotel is recommended by AAA” — The Associated Anarchists of America always stay here when they are in town.
“Offseason rates” — The last time we had an on-season was 20 years ago when the Backstreet Boys’ tour bus broke down out front.
“Our cottages are nestled on the side of the mountain” — Before the last big mudslide, they were located on top of the mountain.
“Waterfront rooms” — Bring your galoshes and hip waders.
“An angler’s paradise” — No wives, children or pets allowed.
“Our charter-boat captain knows where the fish are” — And if you think he is going to take you there, you’re crazy.
“A well-stocked pond” — You’ll find everything in it but fish.
“All the comforts of home” — The faucet leaks, the beds are lumpy, and the air conditioner is broken.
“Complimentary continental breakfast” — Our desk clerk, Pierre Boudreaux, will deliver your tea bag and cup of hot water promptly at 6 a.m. He will be back for the tea bag at 6:15 a.m.
“Nature Trail” — This trail received a great deal more traffic before the installation of indoor plumbing.
“Jogging Path” — Also known as the “nature trail.”
“Our grounds are filled with lush, tropical foliage” — Bring a machete, we haven’t mowed the lawn since 2004.
“A personal wake-up call” — Our rooster, Old Reliable, will awaken you promptly at sunrise, whether you want him to or not.
“All valuables may be checked with the clerk at the front desk” — We can’t guarantee you’ll ever see them again.
“It is not necessary to tip our staff” — They usually just take what they want.
“Wild, exciting nightlife” — Campers should guard their food baskets. This area is patrolled by a 200-pound raccoon who did not get that way by eating berries and leaves.
“Within walking distance of quaint, local shops” — It is 8.2 miles to Swarmsworth’s Taxidermy Shop and only 6 miles to the Beaver Falls Feed and Seed Store.
“Dining at your leisure” — Harriet Henderson opens the snack bar at 4 p.m. Dinner is served promptly at 4:30 p.m. Harriet likes to keep her evenings open.
“Special programs for senior citizens” — All our rocking chairs are equipped with whoopee cushions.
“We never discriminate” — We try to cheat everyone.