After the first NFL game since the pandemic, a reporter asked a female Texan fan what she thought about the game. The woman replied, “It was just wonderful!” “But your team lost,” the reporter replied. “Yes,” she exclaimed, “but there were no restroom lines!”
40 things to do while waiting in a restroom line so that instead of an eternity, it only seems like a lifetime:
1. Make out your grocery list, Christmas list and hit list.
2. Download an app and learn to speak Japanese.
3. Get acquainted with those around you and plan a 25-year reunion.
4. Balance your checkbook. If you can’t handle that, you might consider running for Congress; you may be qualified.
5. Pick lint from the lady’s jacket in front of you. Draw the line at dandruff or any spot that appears to be moving.
6. Swap beauty secrets if anyone appears to have any.
7. French braid someone’s hair, preferably with their permission.
8. Swap recipes for sushi, quiche and mildew remover.
9. Macramé two people’s shoelaces together if they seem to be compatible.
10. Lead the group in a singalong of the Beatles’ greatest hits.
11. Check and see if you qualify as a new Congressional district and elect a representative.
12. Compute how much dynamite it would take to blow up the men’s restroom.
13. Needlepoint a pillow that says, “My Bladder is Badder.”
14. Select a committee to ration the remaining rolls of toilet tissue and paper towels.
15. Pledge to give up at least one bad habit, form a support group, apply for tax-exempt status, and hold a fundraiser.
16. Check everyone’s resting heart rate then lead the group in an aerobic workout.
17. Compare driver’s license photos and award a prize for the closest resemblance to an actual person.
18. Clean out your billfold, removing any receipt more than five years old.
19. Order out for pizza.
20. Form an investment club and play the market.
21. Form a book club and review your latest good “reads.”
22. Hold a swap meet; trade clothes, jewelry or dates.
23. Collect scarves from everyone in line and fashion them into a smashing evening gown.
24. Prepare your income tax return and check the group for possible dependents who are currently unclaimed.
25. If you have no children, consider the rewards of parenthood. Check the group for potential adoptees. Mothers of more than one child who are waiting in line will be the most negotiable.
26. Collect makeup from everyone’s bag and perform makeovers on the group.
27. Fake morning sickness and attempt to negotiate your way to the front of the line.
28. Using old gum and candy wrappers, create innovative pieces of fashion jewelry.
29. Find an attorney in your group and prepare your will or draw up divorce papers, depending on how the evening is going.
30. If there is a hygienist in the crowd, have your teeth cleaned.
31. If you have a cellphone on you, consider a career in telemarketing.
32. For the benefit of those musically inclined, hold auditions, form a woman’s chorus and schedule a concert.
33. Survey the group for favorite recipes and write a cookbook.
34. Implement a recycling program using toilet paper rolls. Turn them into attractive but functional kaleidoscopes and bud vases.
35. Mentor someone.
36. Designate a courier to deliver messages from “the front” to family members on the outside.
37. Redecorate the restroom to create a homier environment using family photos and mementos.
38. Play charades. Act out movie titles where women suffered, like: ‘Driving Miss Daisy Crazy,” “Bad Hair Day at Black Rock,” “Never Home Alone,” “Honey, I Shrunk Your New Silk Blouse,” and “Guess How Many Are Coming to Dinner?”
39. Take the manager hostage, storm the men’s room and make them wait for a change.
40. Hold a prayer meeting. Pray for shorter lines, larger bladders, longer intermissions and more restrooms.