“Do you realize ya’ll have been talking about redoing the kitchen since I was a little kid?” mentioned our 29-year-old son during a recent Facetime chat.

Wow…I had no idea it had been that long. But yeah…this is THE week. Geez, if only the whole kitchen makeover could be super simple…and quick…like over and done in 15 minutes instead of four to six weeks. 

Last night I dreamed of entering the front door after the kitchen was demolished. Thick ashen dust still floated in the air, covering everything much like the city of Pompeii when Mt. Vesuvius blew its top. Reminds me I gotta remember to pick up a case of furniture polish at the store before the dust hardens into concrete!

It is really too bad our old and crusty kitchen couldn’t simply be unbuttoned like a worn winter jacket. A totally new kitchen could then be built off-site and inserted with something akin to a shiny pre-fabricated Lego activity set. I have the strangest feeling deep down in the marrow of my left tibia bone that our kitchen remodel will not happen in that fashion.  

Removing more than three decades of old kitchen stuff last week out of the cabinets was bad enough. Have you ever peered into the very back of your kitchen cabinets? It’s really dark and scary, like one of those horror movies where a bony hand reaches out and tries to pull you to the netherworld. Creepy … and just in time for Halloween!    

I suspect our neighbors will be extra delighted with us for the next four or so weeks. I’m thinking about having a magnetized sign made for both sides of my car that says, “I am so sorry neighbors,” with a smiley face at the end. When I get to the end of the block, I can just hop out of the car, peel them off, and throw the signs in the back seat. Perhaps an apologetic handwritten note would be more personal!

We are also concerned about how the dog is going to be impacted with all of the construction stress. Our Lulu is probably the most fearful dog on the planet. Someone rings the doorbell and Lulu can’t find a hiding place fast enough. Lots of different people working in our house for weeks just might send her over a high cliff. On the advice of our vet, today I purchased a pheromone calming collar. It is supposed to relieve stress and has a lovely lavender and chamomile scent. If it doesn’t keep Lulu mellow … at least she will smell mighty nice.    

Although not a great guard dog, our Lulu does have other gifts. You should see her retrieve the newspaper from the front yard every morning. I never get tired of watching her run a victory lap afterward around the couch before letting loose of the paper. That is when her faucet of drool starts and the doggie treat is presented for consumption. Lulu’s favorite day is Sunday when she gets two treats for the extra heavy newspaper. Now that I think about it, perhaps supplying our workers with dog treats for their pockets would lighten Lulu’s emotional load. 

I'm not the least bit worried about our special needs daughter. Mimi is going to think there is a party going on every day at our house for the next month or so. If our people-loving daughter gets her wheelchair even close to a worker dude, there is a hug-fest going down! Note to self…pre-load workers to shake Mimi’s hand rather than giving her a hug. She doesn’t like to let go…and we did not include chiropractor sessions in our remodel contract.  

Ricky really has to be proud of his parents. At least we didn’t wait till he was a senior citizen before starting our kitchen remodel.

Dixie Frantz is a Kingwood resident and newspaper columnist for the past 20 years. Email comments to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. You can also visit Dixie痴 blog at lifesloosethreads.com.   

Dixie Frantz
Author: Dixie FrantzWebsite: http://www.lifesloosethreads.comEmail: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
Columnist
I am a long-time Houstonian in love with writing, blogging, travel, quilting and reading. I have written “You Gotta Laugh,” a humorous newspaper column, for the past 21 years. The columns showcase the funny, amusing and sometimes touching slices of life from the suburbs. My writing credentials include more than 430 humorous columns, features and travel stories for The Tribune Newspaper.