I am a senior in high school, and my boyfriend is beginning to abuse me. My mom noticed a bruise on my shoulder the other day, and I told her that I ran into a car door. I didn’t tell her that my boyfriend gets mad at me over things that seem so trivial. Recently, when we had a disagreement, he really got angry. It was so bad that I got scared. It’s like he loses control. During those times of anger, he usually twists my arm or chokes me. Last night he actually hit me. Even though he apologizes, it still hurts. My parents were not very happy about my dating him in the first place because he is not a Christian. I am afraid that if I tell them what he is doing to me, they will probably not let me date him anymore. It isn’t that it would be so bad, since things between us aren’t going too well right now. My problem is that I feel sorry for him and am afraid of what he may do to himself if I break up with him. He told me that because I was a Christian, I had to forgive him and help him get better and that if I broke up with him he would have no reason to live anymore. That really scared me. Do you think that I should tell my parents everything?

Signed,

Sharon

Dear Sharon,

You are very brave to share your story with me. You are in a very difficult relationship with this young man and have every right to be afraid. His behavior is very serious, and your physical safety is at risk. You must understand that your relationship with your boyfriend is neither acceptable nor normal. Physical abuse is unacceptable in any relationship, whether it be dating or marriage.

Your boyfriend has some very deep-seated emotional needs that are far beyond anything you can give him. To be honest with you, by staying in the relationship with him, you are really keeping him from getting the professional help he needs. You have become what counselors call an enabler. This means that you are actually aiding him to remain in his present emotional condition. I believe that your desire to help him is genuine, but the help he requires will have to come from a clinically trained, Christian counselor. Your boyfriend’s abuse will not go away. It will escalate. He will never be able to have a healthy relationship until he gets help. Sharon, you must understand that this relationship is far more complicated than you realize. You do not have enough ‘life experience’ yet to know what is best for you and your friend. Too many relationships, just like yours, have ended in tragedies. I strongly urge you to get immediate help with this situation. Let me give you some advice as to how you can receive the help you need.

First of all you must tell your parents everything, ASAP. In fact, please give this column to them to read and assess. There is never anything that you should keep from your parents. Parents are God’s first line of protection for you (Ephesians 6:1-3). It is only right that they wouldn’t allow you to continue in this relationship. I think you already know the reasons why. Your physical safety is in jeopardy, and that is most important. As I previously stated, only until you separate from him will he be free to seek help. Depending on the severity of his condition, your parents must insist that you be very careful to keep your distance from him.

Your friend should be looking to his parents and professional help. Again, without the assistance of a Christian, clinically trained counselor, his mental and physical well-being is in jeopardy. Suggest to your parents that they need to get an appointment with your pastor or a Christian counselor immediately. Remember, you must be totally honest with your parents, your pastor and the counselor. If you do not tell them everything, in detail, they will not be able to make a wise assessment. Hopefully, your parents and pastor will contact your friend’s parents. If possible, they could all work as a team to get the your friend the help he desperately needs.

In closing, I would like to address an earlier matter that you cited. Sharon, you mentioned that your friend wasn’t a Christian and that your parents were not too excited about you dating him. I would be interested to know why you chose to begin this relationship in light of your parent’s concerns (I Corinthians 6:14, 15)? It is also difficult for me to understand why they allowed you to date him in the first place.

I would encourage you and your parents to seek some sound biblical instruction about God’s order for the family. Your pastor can recommend to all of you some good reading material about this subject. If your family had been functioning within God’s order for the family, the likelihood of your facing these stressing circumstances could have been avoided.

My prayer and best wishes to you,

Dr. B

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